12 years

12 years and he didn't know me at all. How could he not know that I would help him. I've done nothing but help. Hell I did everything. So the first time in 12 years he thinks for himself it's to decide to lie to me for a month and plot defection? My logical brain knows that's not right, he just reached the point I was almost at, but it feels that way.

So I had removed him as a friend on Facebook because I was obsessing, but I went to a mutual friend's wall and realize posts he had put there were gone. He blocked me. Then he texted me tonight to make sure S and I were ok. WTF! Nothing all weekend, and then I get THAT! So I just spilled it all. Told him this was too hard for me because it hurts too much, that I want to talk to him and tell him everything that's going on, how he's home and happy but that's not the case here, his opinion aside, and that unless he needs something specific, to please not text me. I want to be friends, I still love him, even if I was never in love with him the way I wanted to be. So the yo-yo thing is too much. It's bad enough I'm not sleeping and alternating between eating nothing and eating everything in the house. I can't do that too. I'm also hoping his parents don't send their annual b-day and Christmas cards. I don't want to be rude, but knowing they are no longer part of my life truly devastates me.

I'm really swinging between mad and sad and it sucks. I just want to feel normal again, the new normal.

Single

That's me. For the first time since my early 20's, I am completely single. T has decided to move back home to IL. He didn't tell a soul. Walked into work and quit his job, then got one of those storage pods, and bought tickets home. Once that was all done, he told me and the kids. Oh and his ex. He says that he's known for sure for about a month, but that he never really came back after the last trip home. It make so much sense now looking back. I knew something was off, but not what.

Honestly, I'm still in shock, and if I'm honest, a little scared. I've never done this all on my own. It's beyond time, but I'm nervous. I'll get through. It's a brand new world out there!

Long Haul

Last night was another session with Jayne and my trainer Cary. There was another woman that was part of the session (we're doing team training so it's us and at least one other person every week). We were talking about food as a group and Cary mentioned that we need to start eating to live not living to eat. The other woman piped up that she's totally doing that because she doesn't like anything she's eating.

That got me thinking. I can do that for a while, but I can't sustain that mentality. I totally get eating to live, that's fine. But how can you possibly be happy long term if you don't enjoy at least some of what you eat? Isn't that what's failed us in the past, not making long term lifestyle changes? I feel like if you limit your intake to things you don't like, you're more likely to cheat and feel bad about it. At least I know I am! I would rather take the advice and make it fit what I want to eat.

Life is too short to go through it never enjoying what you eat. Maybe it is part of my problem and the fact I'm an emotional eater, but I refuse to go there. I'll find my happy medium. I have to so that I can be both healthy AND happy!

How do you "learn" to be selfish

Had a conversation recently with Moosh about this. And since then I've been pondering it. How does one learn to be selfish? I've never been good at it. So I put this out to you guys. How do you do it? How after a lifetime of putting everyone else first, do you put yourself first? How do you make that hard decision that will hurt others, but is the right one for you? Is it better to make all the plans and have all the dominoes in place before you do, or is it better to do it and then let them figure out all the dominoes and where they go? Are small steps better, going to the gym, not paying their bills, not doing the things you'd normally do then say the big one? How do you even know where to start? I know I have to do something, because this is literally killing me. Muppet screaming and arm waving isn't far off.....

Bird of the new year

One of my favorite authors, Laurell K Hamilton does this thing where she makes note of the first bird that she sees after the new year. She takes it as a message regarding the things she needs to look at or work on for the year. This year I decided to try it. Well the only bird I have seen, and I have seen several, has been the hawk. That's it. So I decided to look up the spiritual meaning of a hawk. "Specifically, the hawk beckons us to hone our focus on the areas that are out of balance in our lives. Recognition is the first step to solution." This fits in a scary way. I have felt very out of balance for ages now. I guess since I haven't seen even one other bird in over 4 days, it's time to take the hint. Focus on coming back into balance. Not sure what this is going to mean, but I'll be meditating on it. I have a feeling it will mean getting back to the core, finding that thing that keeps me sane.

(as I type this, I finally saw another bird LMAO! Guess Deity figured I got the message, and wanted to add to it. It was a BIG crow, or possibly a raven. The meanings, yup you guessed it Crow: Justice, change, creativity, spiritual strength, energy, community sharing, and balance. Raven: Introspection, courage, self-knowledge. Ok I get it! Uncle!!)

I'm Old

Two nights in a row out at work functions, and I just want to drop! Not like I got home at 2 am either time! Both nights I was home and in bed by midnight. But DAMN am I tired today! I'm thinking it has more to do with having to be on and entertaining the whole time for the clients. Whatever the reason, I am seriously looking forward to quiet girl time this weekend with Moosh and Chey! LMAO! It just hit me Moosh and Chey....Moose and Squirrel...LMAO!! ok I really am tired!

And the worst mom of the year award goes to...

ME!!! I just got a VERY tearful call from my 13 yr old from the school's phone. See East Hampton had a 2 hour delay this morning because of some teacher thing. Well I go on to facebook a little after 11 and S has updated his page. Hmmm his phone is blocked during school hours so how did he do that? So I text him and go off, accusing him of skipping and saying I'm sending someone to check up on him.

Poor guy was really at lunch and his lunatic mother is texting him like a crazy person. Yup pretty sure this was my first entry into the running for mayor of crazy town! Poor kid!

I bought a bike

I love my new bike...now just to take the class so I can ride my bike....

You know you're a geek when...

Have the "bike" bug again. Thinking that may be my big purchase this year with the fun car coming next year when Bessie is paid off.

So went looking at motorcycles on Saturday with Tim. I find this really nice one with saddlebags and my first thought...seriously folks this is sad...is "Oooo my laptop will fit in there!" Internal filter is off because, frankly it's Tim and he's heard it all anyway. So this thought flies out of my mouth at the same moment. He looks at me, shakes his head and walks away. I, of course follow. "But you see this means I don't have to buy a backpack to ride it to work over the summer!" More head shaking and walking. Shortly followed by a giggle and "You make me smile. You're such a geek"

sigh. Hello my name is Ellen and I'm a geek.

The holiday delema

I'm having a rough time this year. I am really excited that Laura and Mom will both be home for Christmas for the first time in 6 years. But it is making me realize all the things I haven't done with Steven over the years.

Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Partly because I haven't figured out how to celebrate it yet. Growing up it was easy. Christmas eve celebration at Grand Ma Lester's and church. Christmas day was family time for the morning then we spent the rest of the day here with Grandma and Grandpa Palm. It was beautiful, fun and fantastic.

Over the last few years, I've found myself becoming more and more Grinch like. Last year, I didn't really decorate at all and I put the little mini artificial tree up on Christmas Eve night so it would be there for the kids in the morning.

Even this year, there's nothing done. No tree yet, no decorations. Nothing. And I'm stressed about it. Last night I completely planned to get stuff done once homework was over. Did I? Nope fell asleep for 2 hours. Today, I pick Laura up at Midnight in Boston. Plus I'm supposed to have contractors here working on siding and windows. Not confident I will get out to do what I need to. And tomorrow I have to work as well (I have 1 client who is open, so I have to be on and available). And T doesn't help. He bought himself a new video game, so nothing has gotten done the last few days, even when I've said something. And don't even get me started on shopping. People are such asses at this time. WTF! I really need to figure this out so I don't ruin things for everyone else any more.