Crossroads

So I posted this on Facebook last week.

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

These are some of the lyrics from the Elton John song I Want Love. Most people remember it because it was the one with Robert Downey Jr just before his big comeback in the video. Love the song. It has spoken to me since it first came out. It has totally summed up the way I've felt about relationships and romance for a while now. I did the marriage thing. Ok so it wasn't with the right guy, but seriously, I was never a kid that pictured her big white wedding. I wanted kids, but that's all.

So where does that leave me? I know what I DON'T want. I don't want to settle. I don't want someone who has no initiative or interests. I don't want someone I have to support in every way. I don't want someone who doesn't stimulate me mentally as well as physically.


But what do I want? And is it even possible? Been thinking a lot about this. Don't have any answers yet. But until I do, I'm going to keep working on me. And if that means some meaningless hook ups along the way, well that's what it means. But to be honest, I'm already finding them to be getting old fast.

12 years

12 years and he didn't know me at all. How could he not know that I would help him. I've done nothing but help. Hell I did everything. So the first time in 12 years he thinks for himself it's to decide to lie to me for a month and plot defection? My logical brain knows that's not right, he just reached the point I was almost at, but it feels that way.

So I had removed him as a friend on Facebook because I was obsessing, but I went to a mutual friend's wall and realize posts he had put there were gone. He blocked me. Then he texted me tonight to make sure S and I were ok. WTF! Nothing all weekend, and then I get THAT! So I just spilled it all. Told him this was too hard for me because it hurts too much, that I want to talk to him and tell him everything that's going on, how he's home and happy but that's not the case here, his opinion aside, and that unless he needs something specific, to please not text me. I want to be friends, I still love him, even if I was never in love with him the way I wanted to be. So the yo-yo thing is too much. It's bad enough I'm not sleeping and alternating between eating nothing and eating everything in the house. I can't do that too. I'm also hoping his parents don't send their annual b-day and Christmas cards. I don't want to be rude, but knowing they are no longer part of my life truly devastates me.

I'm really swinging between mad and sad and it sucks. I just want to feel normal again, the new normal.

Single

That's me. For the first time since my early 20's, I am completely single. T has decided to move back home to IL. He didn't tell a soul. Walked into work and quit his job, then got one of those storage pods, and bought tickets home. Once that was all done, he told me and the kids. Oh and his ex. He says that he's known for sure for about a month, but that he never really came back after the last trip home. It make so much sense now looking back. I knew something was off, but not what.

Honestly, I'm still in shock, and if I'm honest, a little scared. I've never done this all on my own. It's beyond time, but I'm nervous. I'll get through. It's a brand new world out there!

Long Haul

Last night was another session with Jayne and my trainer Cary. There was another woman that was part of the session (we're doing team training so it's us and at least one other person every week). We were talking about food as a group and Cary mentioned that we need to start eating to live not living to eat. The other woman piped up that she's totally doing that because she doesn't like anything she's eating.

That got me thinking. I can do that for a while, but I can't sustain that mentality. I totally get eating to live, that's fine. But how can you possibly be happy long term if you don't enjoy at least some of what you eat? Isn't that what's failed us in the past, not making long term lifestyle changes? I feel like if you limit your intake to things you don't like, you're more likely to cheat and feel bad about it. At least I know I am! I would rather take the advice and make it fit what I want to eat.

Life is too short to go through it never enjoying what you eat. Maybe it is part of my problem and the fact I'm an emotional eater, but I refuse to go there. I'll find my happy medium. I have to so that I can be both healthy AND happy!

How do you "learn" to be selfish

Had a conversation recently with Moosh about this. And since then I've been pondering it. How does one learn to be selfish? I've never been good at it. So I put this out to you guys. How do you do it? How after a lifetime of putting everyone else first, do you put yourself first? How do you make that hard decision that will hurt others, but is the right one for you? Is it better to make all the plans and have all the dominoes in place before you do, or is it better to do it and then let them figure out all the dominoes and where they go? Are small steps better, going to the gym, not paying their bills, not doing the things you'd normally do then say the big one? How do you even know where to start? I know I have to do something, because this is literally killing me. Muppet screaming and arm waving isn't far off.....

Bird of the new year

One of my favorite authors, Laurell K Hamilton does this thing where she makes note of the first bird that she sees after the new year. She takes it as a message regarding the things she needs to look at or work on for the year. This year I decided to try it. Well the only bird I have seen, and I have seen several, has been the hawk. That's it. So I decided to look up the spiritual meaning of a hawk. "Specifically, the hawk beckons us to hone our focus on the areas that are out of balance in our lives. Recognition is the first step to solution." This fits in a scary way. I have felt very out of balance for ages now. I guess since I haven't seen even one other bird in over 4 days, it's time to take the hint. Focus on coming back into balance. Not sure what this is going to mean, but I'll be meditating on it. I have a feeling it will mean getting back to the core, finding that thing that keeps me sane.

(as I type this, I finally saw another bird LMAO! Guess Deity figured I got the message, and wanted to add to it. It was a BIG crow, or possibly a raven. The meanings, yup you guessed it Crow: Justice, change, creativity, spiritual strength, energy, community sharing, and balance. Raven: Introspection, courage, self-knowledge. Ok I get it! Uncle!!)